10 Reasons Not to Loan Gary Coleman any Cash

Since his claim to fame as Arnold Jackson on the 1978-1986 hit television series Diff’rent Strokes, Gary Coleman’s life has spiraled into the butts of countless jokes with embarrassingly absurd proportions. From losing his job as a security guard on assault charges, to running for Governor of California, to the wrestling ring of the WWF, Gary Coleman ranks as one of the worst investments of the year, to whom his own flesh and blood won’t even risk loaning a dime.

1. If his own family won’t lend him cash, why the heck would you? Only a desperate idiot would commit financial suicide by taking out a loan with the ridiculous interest rate of 99.25%!

2. This interview gives a broad stroke (ha) of his life and career. And he’s calling us idiots? Whatchu talkin’ ‘bout Gary?

3. As much as this pic does exemplify “awesome”, it’s not the kind of awesome that would garner an investment from me.

4. Now You Know Better. Yet another example the lows to which old Gary is willing to sink to make a buck. Plus, who knows if he’ll relapse into butter binging. Unpredictability makes for a bad investment.

5. Anyone who can’t stand up to a crack over the head with a guitar by Double J Jeff Jarrett obviously lacks resilience. With the US recession in mind, why would you loan to someone who can’t stand on his own two feet?

6. No memories of his career on Diff’rent Strokes? You can see what’s coming… “What loan?” Lay off the crack indeed.

7. The woman who almost kicked his ass had “squishy” breasts. Sorry, Gary. You weak, you weak.

8. Falling into a pit after losing to Kato Kaelin on a gameshow? This guy’s got a knack for finding new lows, seriously.

9. In what might have been a cash-grab publicity stunt, in-his-40s and not-long-married and still recently-virginal Gary made recent his divorce from his 22-year-old wife public (see “new lows”, discussed previously). Can’t loan money to a guy who’s willing to do that.

10. Poor Gary couldn’t sell his 2007 Saturn Sy Convertible for what was actually a rather reasonable price of $25,000. Basically, he doesn’t know how to make his assets work for him, and obviously can’t leverage whatever star power remains.