They say that job searching is a job in itself. You need to familiarize yourself with the position you’re applying for, and you need to demonstrate that your specific skill set and job experience can benefit the company you’ve got your little unemployed heart set on. Your resume needs to encapsulate all this in two pages or less. It needs to grab potential employers by the face and say “Hey! I’m the one you’ve been looking for.” Whether you’re applying for a particualr position or hoping to acquire a job creation grant, versatility is everything in today’s shaky economy, and the following is an example of the tough competition you’ll be up against out there.

Peter Löwenbräu Griffin

31 Spooner Street
Quahog, Rhode Island

 Recent Work Experience

Towel Boy

Duties included: Heh heh heh heh…..duties…..heh heh heh heh….diarrhea.

Happy Go-Lucky Toy Factory

Duties included: Toy safety inspector. Was promoted to head of toy development until my boss died from dinner roll asphyxiation. I employed skills of concealment by cramming his lifeless body into the toilet with a plunger when I thought that Random Dead Body Inspectors were at the door. Turned out to be Death messing with me.

Bathroom Attendant

Duties included: Providing lavatory services to patrons. Broke every bone in my face when I collapsed from “blow drying” a man’s shirt.

Transvestite Prostitute

Duties included: Looking drop dead sexy while turning tricks with friends and/or family members for cash.

Renaissance Fair Jouster

Duties included: While riding on horseback and wearing a complete suit of armor, I would gallop towards my opponents while pointing my giant lance at them. With the help of my Jewish friend Mort Goldman I defeated my hero-turned nemesis The Black Night. This allowed me to demonstrate my competitiveness, my horseback riding skills, my lance-pointing skills, and my abilities as a team player. I get along with Jews.

Fisherman

Duties included: Fishing, drinking beer, and the navigation of a fishing boat. I don’t get along with the Portuguese.

Sneeze Guard

Duties included: Protecting buffet food from projectile face liquids by any means necessary.

 ”Take that sneeze outside lady!”

Mayor of Post Nuclear Apocalypse Town

Duties included:  Exploiting the abundant resources of an abandoned Twinkie factory to build a post-apocalyptic town. The naming of aforementioned post-apocalyptic town. I called it New Quahog. You know, ‘cause our old town was called Quahog. The development and implementation of new employment programs called “picking a job out of the hat”.  Unfortunately I was kicked out of my own town when I used all the metal from the irrigation system to make guns…lots of guns.

Pawtucket Brewery

Duties included: Drinking myself into oblivion. Getting demoted to the shipping department. Working for a boss with special needs.

Death

Duties included:Filling in for injured Grim Reaper. Was supposed to bring the sweet kiss of death to the cast of Dawson’s Creek, but ended up killing two commercial airline pilots instead.

Green Guy in Tron

Duties included: Outracing the Yellow Guy

Ballpark Butt Scratcher Vendor

Duties included: Selling butt scratchers to sports fans with itchy bums.

I also have experience as a bartender; a ghostbuster; restaurant owner; Cocoa Puffs mascot; doctor;  construction worker; and as a fast food technician.

Communication Skills

I am creatively versatile as I have worked as: a television producer, as well as a theater producer where I directed my own adaptation of  The King and I; a Channel 5 News special reporter; erotic book author; Calvin Klein model; I painted the Sistine Chapel and I was the conductor of the Sand People Choir.

I have also worked in a professional capacity with celebrities when I was George Harrison’s security guard, Christina Aguilera’s manager, Sandy Duncan’s glass eye and Kevin Federline’s magic mirror.

Special Interests

You will also discover that despite the fact that my obesity causes my genitalia to disappear when I’m naked, I’m extremely athletic.  I’ve was the center for the New England Patriots, I was also a sumo wrestler and a synchronized swimmer. I am a highly trained martial arts expert, who has been in an ongoing battle with my arch nemesis, the Giant Chicken.