Like many modern Canadian men, I grew up on three things: video games, hockey and movies. Since they have already made the greatest hockey movie ever (Slap shot - anyone who questions this will be coughing out their teeth for a few weeks), lets look at video games and movies. Can we make a good movie out of a video game? Has anyone ever made a good video game out of a movie? Well I cannot think of a movie based on a video game that doesn’t bite shit. The only good video game from a movie is Jurassic Park for Genesis. Why is it that these two forms of entertainment have so many problems crossing over?

Peter Jackson is still trying to get a Halo movie off the ground and Max Payne has been in production for years. A trailer for Max Payne surfaced last month and for the first time a movie based on a video game might not be a cinematic abortion. There have been a number of movies to come out over the last few years based on video games that have sucked balls. Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter, Resident Evil (one, two and three), Silent Hill, Super Mario Brothers (still waiting to see how they are going to end that one, it has a fucking cliffhanger!!!!), all the crap Uwe Boll releases and so on.

For the most part these films have been commercial failures. They never quite caught on like comic book movies have. Yet they are very similar in the sense that many have very well drawn out story lines and an entrenched audience. Here is a list of video games that should be made into movies. These movies would be Shaft/Bill Murray badass.

Tetris: the movie

– It’s the captivating and thrilling adventure of the little puzzle piece trying to find his way in a mixed up world, will he ever find his place? Oh wait, he just did. The heart warming and touching tale of the next little puzzle piece trying to find her way in this crazy society. She just found her place too. This is repeated for 90 minutes. This will gross four hundred million dollars. I am tempted to take out a small business grant and make the movie myself.

Blades of steel

– Possibly the most important hockey game ever released. This would be a fun mighty ducks meets Rambo style movie with lots of fighting and the Emilio Estevez as a coach or something.

Mario Kart

– All you need for a hit is to make it like Ronin. Deniro could play Mario and almost everyone dies at the end. That way my dreams won’t be haunted by the possibilities of another Mario movie unlike the first one.

Contra

– Bunch of dudes attack an alien infested island, save the world, etc. Oscars all around. FTW! Someone give me a grant application for a few million dollars and a plane ticket to Nicaragua, I’ll make this myself.

Missile Command

– Good old cold war paranoia turned into a video game would be excellent as good old modern day paranoia movie fun. Missiles are falling, interceptors are going up and Clive Owen has to tell Charlize Theron he loves her before Washington DC is vaporized. Then queue the robots and flying saucers.

Bomberman

– Imagine speed in a maze. That’s how gnarly this movie would be. Just load maze-speed down with tons of goblins, imps, bombs, a maze, a dude who bombs stuff? The only thing that wouldn’t bomb is this movie.

Wolfenstein 3D

– Nazi blasting never gets old, especially when they are evil super scientist who have tortured you. Plus, added creepy occult stuff and mountains of Nazi bodies. Now let’s put that on the big screen, get Michael Mann to direct and it’s the greatest action movie to ever occur in the history of cinema.

Grand Theft Auto

– Everyone sees this one coming. The current games are cinematic enough as is. When I first played GTA 3 I was dumbstruck at how big the cities were and how much there was to do, Plus I could blow up small businesses with a tank. The games have only gotten more detailed since. Anarchic mayhem always pays off at the box office and since this is one of the biggest franchises in gaming history with one hell of following, why wouldn’t it make a profit.

Runners Up:

Duck hunt

– Fucking hate that dog

Sonic the Hedgehog

– The methamphetamine fueled rodent takes on corporate industrialists and robots.

Call of Duty 4

–evil business man buys a nuclear weapon, US marines invade a middle eastern country and the S.A.S blow stuff up and generally act like bad asses. I would watch that twice.

Starcraft

– Because all you fan boys demand it.

Tony Hawk Pro Skater

– I’m sure they could figure something out story wise.

This is just a basic list, games I liked when I was a kid (except Bomberman, no one likes that game). If anyone has some ideas for ideas for fun games that could be turned into a sick movie post it on the comment board.